A few little ditties written with our fair city in mind
Put Down the Knives, Step Away From the Corkscrew
Things happen in small towns. The community has a recognized need that’s appreciated by the residents as worthy, funds are raised and things happen. Inspiring. Or, sometimes…not. A handy example of the not-so-inspriing…the portables at Havens. C’mon, don’t pretend like you’ve forgotten. Good God in heaven. To hear the fan club of that bungle-fest tell it, if we didn’t act immediately, the children in attendance at the time of the imminent catastrophic earthquake would die a slow and painful death ‘neath the rubble of the collapsed one-story, wood framed building as it came down in apocalyptic fury! Even though the fan group for this project was small, they were extremely vocal and the project was steamrollered into fruition. I suppose this bullying tactic could be seen as effective. Or, it could be seen as an obnoxiously pushy group behaving badly to promote their own agenda despite the fact that it cost a fortune and served only a small part of the community. But, it still happened, all the while having you believe that the reason it happened was because the community was behind it. Right about now, many of you are thinking “Hey, wait a minute. I wasn’t behind that.” Exactly. And neither were so many others. But, here’s the thing…if you oppose projects or measures that these VGs (vocal groups) promote, you know, instinctively, that you’ll be tarred and feathered! It isn’t your imagination. You know first-hand or have at least heard the stories of those poor, unsuspecting souls who made the mistake of speaking out against their agenda. That’s right..makethat mistake and you are out! O.U.T! Persona non grata! Good bye, baby, that train left the station! Kiss all future invitations goodbye! And, yes, that goes for your kids, too! Holy Mother. Scary, and more than a little intimidating. Sadly, our little town suffers from what I call“Loud-Mouth at the Podium” syndrome. This is where the big-shot du jour comes onto the scene and takes over, imposing his/her will upon anyone in shouting distance with a weaker constitution. They impress their followers with quick witticisms, drop important names, throw fancy parties and make no mistake, they will slash your jugular vein with the nearest corkscrew if you go against their ideas! Don’t let the pressed khakis and pinpoint oxford shirts fool you…this is a tough town! Thought you were entitled to independent thoughts? Not if you hope to be included in the next block party. Here’s the thing: I’m in favor of most projects in Piedmont...new schools, new fields, new pavement, new traffic signals, new turf, new giant vase, new pools, new retrofit at the schools, new undergrounding, blah, blah, blah. I see it all asprogress, for the most part and for the remaining “part,” if I’m not thrilled about it, I know I can express it with my vote. When someone says “Hey, we need a new building for Havens so let’s hastily and without adequate evidence of necessity bring in a bunch of portables for a few years that will cost a bloody fortune and in the future be deemed a fiasco by the entire community” instead of going with my first instinct, which is to nail their tongue to their forehead so that they can never speak again, I take a deep breath, consider that they are entitled to their opinion and accept that there may be more to their idea than I am aware. In other words, I’m polite. But, be aware that not everyone is. Why, is change in our community good when suggested by one VG, but disregarded when suggested by anyone outside that VG? Why is it reasonable to ask for millions of dollars to build new facilities, but blasphemous to ask how our children may be better served in the classrooms? Why is it expected that bond measures and tax increases be welcomed with open arms but, pausing to consider if this is the most intelligent and effective approach is met with fierce and brutal criticism? No sir, don’t confuse me with the facts… let’s burn these bridges fast so there’s no going back! In fact, the minute any concern is raised openly about our PUSD, the knives come out of the drawer! The mere mention of a problem with our schools can get you blacklisted in this town…and that’s not polite, nor is it at all productive. It’s disappointing to see adults in our community behave like spoiled children. No one should feel frightened to express their support or objection to a project or an idea. Good ideas don’t come exclusively from the loud-mouth at the podium. Sometimes they come from less flashy folks who have thoughtfully, carefully and quietly done their research without the pomp of Piedmont’s legendary cocktail party fundraisers. So, the next time someone offers an opinion that may be different from your own, put away the knives, put down the corkscrew and for Pete’s sake if you can’t keep quiet then at least try to be polite…pretty please??
Ahhhh, high school graduation. Our talented young fledglings leaving the nest, flying high on to their bright and promising futures. Filled with dreams and optimism about the adventures they’ll soon embark upon. So scholarly in their cap and gown often draped with a colorful flower lei for a touch of whimsy. The weather cooperates fully in deference to the significance of the day and the stands are filled to capacity with adoring relatives. Yes indeed, this is the stuff of which dreams are made. Wait…whatha..why is that child vomiting? Come to think of it, all of these promising young graduates look a little green around the gills. Oh, for corn sakes! Is it possible that the little Einsteins are hungover?!? Well, pick your chin up off the floor, what did you expect? Most of them are coming from an all-nighter that one of the families hosted to honor the young darlings. I know, I know, the legal drinking age is 21 in the state of California but apparently in Piedmont this law is open to interpretation. So, fast forward and here we are with hungover high school graduates because somebody’s parent had the bright idea that the best way to be popular in their child’s eyes would be to host the teenage cocktail party. And yes, Mrs. Takeyourbrainoutofyourass, wine and champagne are, in fact, still considered alcohol. And no, serving it in pretty little glasses doesn’t change that. Being drunk after17 crystal flutes of champagne served in someone’s beautifully landscaped yard is no different than being drunk from 7 shots of Tequilla served up at the local bar. Seriously guys, what’s the deal with this? #1 It’s illegal. #2 It’s dangerous. #3 No, none of the kids think you’re cool, in fact they find you downright immature and creepy and if the alcohol doesn’t make them vomit, being served a drink by someone’s scantily clad mom definitely will. Yep…”pathetic” is the word one student used to summarize their opinion of the parents at a few of such gatherings. Well, for heaven’s sake, that’s sad. To put all that time and energy into planning the perfect party, the countless hours deciding between Merlot or Cabernet, Margerita or Cosmopolitan, Corona or Trumer Pilsner and then to be thought of as merelypathetic. Gee, that’s…well…pathetic! Tip: Six words a high school student neverwants to hear muttered from his parents lips while at a party..”Sweetheart, would you like a beer?” Uh..no, mom. Actually, what I was hoping for was a positive role model, love and guidance and for you to be my rock in this rough and unpredictable river of life. And while you’re at it, could you please stop trying to be cool in front of my friends? You already had your turn at being a kid and it’s our turn, now. We’ll secretly get our own beer if we want it and there are way more important things you could be helping us with. Seriously, that’s what they’re saying.
Congrats class of 2010! Yes, most of you really are smarter than your parents!
I Mean It, Mom!!
Do NOT Get The Kindle…She Said She wants The iPad!!
Can someone tell me what ever happened to “Pin the Tail on the Donkey?” And while we’re at it, can someone also tell me what happened to ice cream and cake, and simple but thoughtful gifts? Is it me or does $500 seem kinda steep for a birthday gift for a 12 year old classmate-type kid. Not your favorite niece or nephew. Just “ole what’s- his-name.” Well, hold onto your money clips, fellow Piedmonters because that’s where we’re headed. It’s all a little hard for me to fathom because I’ve always been of the mind that there could be no better birthday gift for a child of any age than a batch of homemade cookies or a pasta shell picture frame with me and the birthday boy/gal adorning said frame…classic. Or, how about a lanyard bracelet or key chain that you stayed up until midnight four nights in row twisting and twirling into just the right pattern? No more. Thought and financial discipline seem to be a thing of the past. The industry standard has now become hiring the Hummer limo to take the birthday girl and 20 of her very best friends for mani-pedis, a no-limit Nordstrom shopping spree, dinner at Gary Danko and then wind it down with a 2 hour Zeppelin ride over the Bay? Too much? Hold on. There’s more. It seems these little pre- pubescent bastards are also running down to the Apple store and buying iPads and the latest hand-held devices for their “friends.” That’s right, stealing their parent’s car keys and credit cards right out of their wallets and driving themselves to the Apple store! Yes, 12 and 13 years olds driving to the Apple store!! Oh…wait a minute. This just in…seems my info was a little off base. I’m now told that it’s actually the parents of the 12 and 13 year olds who are driving to the Apple store and using their very own credit cards to purchase the iPads for the casual-friend birthday gift. Oops..my mistake. Well, I don’t know about you but I’m feeling a heck of a lot better knowing that it’s the parents and not the children behaving like anxious, insecure twits desperately hoping to buy their way to the top of the social “in-crowd” ladder. After all, if the kids were behaving like this I’d say we need to add to the required 7th grade reading list the old standard, Emily Post’s Book of Etiquette, for a review of the guidelines for appropriate gift giving. We might also have had to consider sending them to some sort of Family Values Summer Day Camp or a Warren Buffet’s The Little Book of Value Investing For 7th Graders Camp. Anyway, with the hefty workload they already have at PMS, adding these extra activities could wreak havoc. So…Phewf!! What a relief! Soooo glad it’s the parents and not the kids. I mean, at least with the parents they understand the potential for financial ruin that can come from overspending and the importance of teaching their children substance over showy superficiality. They learned all about it in the Why Isn’t My 16 Year Old Happy With Their New Mercedes S-Class support group. But, if they know all that, why is this sort of thing happening? Maybe it’s because it’s just so darned much fun. So, now what? Geez… they’ll probably have to do something like, I dunno, be responsible. Uuggh. Don’t you hate it when that happens??
