Tofurkey, Sweet Lolita and Pumpkin Pie

Aahhh, the holidays.  Taking time from our hectic schedules to come together for the autumnal feast.  Loved ones from near and far hearken the call to gather and rekindle the familial flame.  It is truly a time of warm feelings and fond memories.  Course, it’s also a time to sit back and watch Aunt Cora take her teeth out at the dinner table after 5 or 6 Brandy Alexanders.  Yes, this is the stuff holiday memories are made of.  Take, for instance, your Grandmother’s prized pumpkin pie recipe that was shared only with her favorite sister-in-law .  Try as you might, this pie never turns out quite right when you make it, due solely to the fact that the miserable  wretch purposely left out one or two of the key ingredients when she passed the recipe down to you.  No matter.  There are still so many things to be thankful for and so many wonderful relatives to share this special day with.  Take, for instance, your older sister.  O.K., it’s true that at every family get-together she takes the opportunity to explain to everyone, individually and in great detail, how they will be spiritually uplifted by following the holy word of our Savior.  And, every year you pray for the love of sweet Jesus or for any other Savior to bolt down from the heavens and rescue you from the hell of this proselytism.  But, she’s a great gal and it wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without her…right?  Besides, we all have our little quirks and being together as a family is what it’s all about.  What better time to catch-up with those we so seldom see in our hectic lives and laze in the re-telling of fun-filled days gone by.  Admittedly, some memories are better than others and I think we could all agree that recalling the time Aunt DeeDee had to pick up Uncle Wes in Mexico at a place called Sweet Lolita’s Pleasure Place, is probably a bad idea.  Oh, but who hasn’t had a little misstep here and there?  Nothing so trivial will dim the warm and comforting glow of this lovely Thanksgiving day.  The house is filled with the intoxicating aroma of all imaginable comfort foods, the table is set with all the glitter and glam befitting this special occasion.  The seating assignments are marked and everyone anxiously awaits the call to indulge.  And, whoever drew the shortest straw last year anxiously awaits the shock and awe experience of sitting next to one of the…gulp… teenagers.  O.K., holiday or not, I’m just gonna go ahead and say what everyone is thinking…at least one of the teenagers in this group is guaranteed 100%  to be a full-fledged wing-nut!  A behavior modification experiment gone horribly wrong! A spawn so evil that it sends the hackles up on the old family dog!  And you can set your watch to the inevitable moment during dinner when this little messenger of Satan will announce their hatred for their parents then french-kiss (yes, at the table) the equally disturbing dinner guest they brought along and then punctuate the moment with a “What the hell is your problem?!?  Pass the freaking potatoes!!”   Ahhh, family.  Nothing quite like it.  All together for the holiday.  Sharing the love.  If you venture out to the back porch you can also share in some of Uncle Zen and Aunt Moon’s Tofurkey.  Yep, vegetarians.  Don’t laugh.  If you live long enough, it’s bound to happen at your family celebrations, too.  The weird couple who refuses to enter the house during the flesh eating portion of the evening, sits out on the back porch in their ill-fitting clothes, plates on laps, pretending to enjoy the vegan casserole they brought as a contribution.  Did I mention that the vegetarians are also smokers?  That’s right.  Turfurkey and Marlboros on the back porch.  Beautiful.  But, they’re family and we love ‘em, right?  And, of course the holidays just wouldn’t be the same without the ever popular political debate.  This is always a tough one for anyone with a brain because you know you should resist any temptation to participate.  But…aaarrgg..there it is!!  He actually said Sarah Palin is brilliant and now you have Uncle Kip in a headlock right there in the living room.  Good Lord.  Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.